I'm going to tell you something that will make me sound a little villain-y. You might hate me after I say it, but here goes: I don't listen to people.
You see, I'm too distracted with stuff in my life to loyally listen to the people I need to be listening to. It's sad that I'm writing this, but it's true.
I'm not much of a listener – I'm a person who hears things. But what's the real difference? Listeners consciously hear when other people are talking; people who hear things are semi-present, sort of interested. I'm not ignoring what people are saying on purpose. I'm not evil, you know. I'm a woman who happens to get distracted easily and can't help but get wrapped up in my own head when it comes to managing stress and living my life in a way that's not cringe-worthy. That takes a lot of time and self-conscious banter – and when I'm with other people, my problems don't disappear, they surface. Like verbal diarrhea, I need to purge myself of the daily demons before I can listen to other people. Ugh. FML. You feel?
The thing is, all this time, I genuinely thought I was listening. I was present, making eye contact, nodding my head with the gestures that suggest I'm in an active conversation – including all the fun stuff like "omfg", "shut up", "no way" and "uh-huh". But that doesn't mean I was giving them my unwavering attention. You see, there's a voice inside my head–a babbling psychopath, control freak – that refuses to shut the fuck up. That voice, the one that permanently lives in my head, is also my writing voice. And it follows me around in every conversation, coffee date and interaction I have on the daily. Problem being, this voice takes away from the people I love and need to listen to. Often times, I forget to flick the switch to turn her off.
My mom is what you might call a "natural" listener. Since the beginning of our time together, she's listened to me complain, cry, laugh and all the other things human beings are famous for. While my mom was born with the aptitude and patience of a listener, not everyone is. And until recently, I realized that listening isn't something that comes naturally to me. I'm not a true listener, I'm an observer of people and situations in my own world. The difference being – my mom actively focuses on what other people are saying, and I don't bother.
Listening isn't a gift that some people have and others don't. Everyone has the ability to listen, but only a few people are nice enough to do it. More often than not, great listeners are people who are sympathetic, a little quieter and totally understanding. Then there's the people who know the gestures of listening, but can't concentrate enough to consciously listen to another person talking – unless they're on Adderall, Dexedrine or whatever other medication helps them focus for two seconds at a time. It's a shame really. We all forgot to listen, but the world went on anyways and nobody noticed. HOLD ON. I just got a text message.
Up until this point, my persona as a semi-sort-of listener got me pretty far. And if I wanted, I'm sure I could continue on for the rest of my life and happily hear whatever I choose to care about until I drop dead from being evil. But I don't want that. I'm tired of not giving other people my full attention. I keep up with plot lines, special events and concerns, but even then, I'm waiting until it's my turn to talk. This is to bring the conversation back to me.
But now I'm turning a new page in my evil memoir, and I'm ready to consciously listen to other people without simultaneously texting, double-dipping chips or checking Instagram like a refresh-obsessed exhibitionist. That's why I wrote a few rules to help other women (read: me) re-learn what it means to listen:
- Shut the fuck up
Wow, crazy concept right? All this time, I thought listening was about talking. But no. It's actually not. When you first try this, you're going to have to train yourself to stop talking all together. Give it a little time – open your mind, and don't be too quick to respond. It's their time to talk, not yours. Zip it. Pretend you've just been kidnapped by the creepy old man in SAW18 and your mouth is covered in duct tape. Did I go too far here? Whatever. Shut the fuck up. - Your solution sucks
The reason I say this is because I like to assume that the people who are talking to me value my opinion, therefore, they want me to give them a fast solution. Within seconds, my brain is bouncing off the wall and I CAN'T WAIT to tell them what I think. Gosh! I'm going to blow their mind away when I tell them the secret answer that's going to solve their serious life-long problem. Hold on. Stop it. If the solution to their problem could be realized in under 2-minutes of talking, safe to say they've already thought of it. Let this person speak. Don't jump in with an answer. Maybe they aren't looking for one. - FYI comparing isn't listening
Maybe you thought that by comparing experiences, it must mean you're an A+ listener. You can connect the dots from a friend's experience BACK TO YOURS. See what you did there? One moment, you're listening to your friend talk about her boss that forgot to show up to an 8 a.m. meeting – the next, you're stealing the spotlight with your story about an ex-boyfriend who made you pee on him. Uh huh. Now you're talking about YOUR plans for the weekend, and why you're so much better than your ex-boyfriend. Wow, cool story. You totally must get it. Wrong, you suck, and even worse – you're shitty at comparing too. - Don't text and listen
Because hey, that's impossible! How can you simultaneously be texting your boyfriend AND listening to your friend whose cat just died? Hmmm. Yeah, maybe not. How about you do your best pal a favour, and stop using your phone when your poor friend just found her dead cat in her bed. Rule of thumb: If you're face-timing IRL, put the phone down. - Be a big pink metaphorical sponge
Before I start listening (which I'm REALLY trying to do now), I need to fart. Not physically fart, but mentally and emotionally fart out everything that's in my silly little head of mine. That means, before I meet with a person – and I'm walking up Dovercourt to meet my friend for drinks at Mr. Flamingos, I'm taking every minute to pull all the items on my brain's desktop, shift + drag all those things into my trash bin. Then empty the trash. Now I can actively listen and hear what my friends are telling me. I can absorb, let the information settle like I'm a big sponge in a fancy bathtub that's soaking up all the soap you bought on sale last week. Here I am, an empty slate, absorbing and listening to my friend without interrupting, comparing, or offering fast solutions that suck. It's a fucking breakthrough! - Remember stuff
Ever wonder how your hairstylist remembers so much about you, even though it's been like three months since you last saw them? I'll share with you a little secret. Notes! It's impossible to remember stuff from that far back, so a lot of people write down notes to remember where they left off. I know it's a little weird to do this – but while I'm training myself to listen better, I've starting writing notes about my friends. So next time I see them, I know where we left off. I won't do this forever, but hey – I might as well go the extra mile for the friends I care about. Start using your memory, now actively follow up with questions and concerns. Ex. Jane: Cat found dead in bed. Ew. But really sad. - Be a mirror
Let's take it back to me for a second. FINALLY, back to the person I know and love best. I know this might sound weird, but when I have a problem, sometimes all I need is someone to repeat it back to me in their voice. That means, when a person is sharing a story or venting – try and summarize everything they say and repeat it back to them like it's an audio recording. It doesn't have to be robotic. Just reassure your pal that you heard what they said, and you're re-confirming the facts. Match body language, make eye contact. - Be the Gayle to Oprah
Learning how to listen better is a process, sort of like Chicken Noodle for the Narcissistic Soul. And when you get the hang of it, you'll stop thinking less about you and more about other people. It's tough, but totally worth it. Because the point of all this is to be in a friendship that's just as loving, honest and adorable as Gayle King and Oprah Winfrey – the REAL (all-ears-listening) type of friendship. My heart melts just thinking about it. I can't wait.
The post HOW TO START LISTENING (LIKE YOU ACTUALLY CARE) appeared first on Shedoesthecity.
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HOW TO START LISTENING (LIKE YOU ACTUALLY CARE) http://ift.tt/1MSQULF Sarah Brown
I'm going to tell you something that will make me sound a little villain-y. You might hate me after I say it, but here goes: I don't listen to people.
You see, I'm too distracted with stuff in my life to loyally listen to the people I need to be listening to. It's sad that I'm writing this, but it's true.
I'm not much of a listener – I'm a person who hears things. But what's the real difference? Listeners consciously hear when other people are talking; people who hear things are semi-present, sort of interested. I'm not ignoring what people are saying on purpose. I'm not evil, you know. I'm a woman who happens to get distracted easily and can't help but get wrapped up in my own head when it comes to managing stress and living my life in a way that's not cringe-worthy. That takes a lot of time and self-conscious banter – and when I'm with other people, my problems don't disappear, they surface. Like verbal diarrhea, I need to purge myself of the daily demons before I can listen to other people. Ugh. FML. You feel?
The thing is, all this time, I genuinely thought I was listening. I was present, making eye contact, nodding my head with the gestures that suggest I'm in an active conversation – including all the fun stuff like "omfg", "shut up", "no way" and "uh-huh". But that doesn't mean I was giving them my unwavering attention. You see, there's a voice inside my head–a babbling psychopath, control freak – that refuses to shut the fuck up. That voice, the one that permanently lives in my head, is also my writing voice. And it follows me around in every conversation, coffee date and interaction I have on the daily. Problem being, this voice takes away from the people I love and need to listen to. Often times, I forget to flick the switch to turn her off.
My mom is what you might call a "natural" listener. Since the beginning of our time together, she's listened to me complain, cry, laugh and all the other things human beings are famous for. While my mom was born with the aptitude and patience of a listener, not everyone is. And until recently, I realized that listening isn't something that comes naturally to me. I'm not a true listener, I'm an observer of people and situations in my own world. The difference being – my mom actively focuses on what other people are saying, and I don't bother.
Listening isn't a gift that some people have and others don't. Everyone has the ability to listen, but only a few people are nice enough to do it. More often than not, great listeners are people who are sympathetic, a little quieter and totally understanding. Then there's the people who know the gestures of listening, but can't concentrate enough to consciously listen to another person talking – unless they're on Adderall, Dexedrine or whatever other medication helps them focus for two seconds at a time. It's a shame really. We all forgot to listen, but the world went on anyways and nobody noticed. HOLD ON. I just got a text message.
Up until this point, my persona as a semi-sort-of listener got me pretty far. And if I wanted, I'm sure I could continue on for the rest of my life and happily hear whatever I choose to care about until I drop dead from being evil. But I don't want that. I'm tired of not giving other people my full attention. I keep up with plot lines, special events and concerns, but even then, I'm waiting until it's my turn to talk. This is to bring the conversation back to me.
But now I'm turning a new page in my evil memoir, and I'm ready to consciously listen to other people without simultaneously texting, double-dipping chips or checking Instagram like a refresh-obsessed exhibitionist. That's why I wrote a few rules to help other women (read: me) re-learn what it means to listen:
- Shut the fuck up
Wow, crazy concept right? All this time, I thought listening was about talking. But no. It's actually not. When you first try this, you're going to have to train yourself to stop talking all together. Give it a little time – open your mind, and don't be too quick to respond. It's their time to talk, not yours. Zip it. Pretend you've just been kidnapped by the creepy old man in SAW18 and your mouth is covered in duct tape. Did I go too far here? Whatever. Shut the fuck up. - Your solution sucks
The reason I say this is because I like to assume that the people who are talking to me value my opinion, therefore, they want me to give them a fast solution. Within seconds, my brain is bouncing off the wall and I CAN'T WAIT to tell them what I think. Gosh! I'm going to blow their mind away when I tell them the secret answer that's going to solve their serious life-long problem. Hold on. Stop it. If the solution to their problem could be realized in under 2-minutes of talking, safe to say they've already thought of it. Let this person speak. Don't jump in with an answer. Maybe they aren't looking for one. - FYI comparing isn't listening
Maybe you thought that by comparing experiences, it must mean you're an A+ listener. You can connect the dots from a friend's experience BACK TO YOURS. See what you did there? One moment, you're listening to your friend talk about her boss that forgot to show up to an 8 a.m. meeting – the next, you're stealing the spotlight with your story about an ex-boyfriend who made you pee on him. Uh huh. Now you're talking about YOUR plans for the weekend, and why you're so much better than your ex-boyfriend. Wow, cool story. You totally must get it. Wrong, you suck, and even worse – you're shitty at comparing too. - Don't text and listen
Because hey, that's impossible! How can you simultaneously be texting your boyfriend AND listening to your friend whose cat just died? Hmmm. Yeah, maybe not. How about you do your best pal a favour, and stop using your phone when your poor friend just found her dead cat in her bed. Rule of thumb: If you're face-timing IRL, put the phone down. - Be a big pink metaphorical sponge
Before I start listening (which I'm REALLY trying to do now), I need to fart. Not physically fart, but mentally and emotionally fart out everything that's in my silly little head of mine. That means, before I meet with a person – and I'm walking up Dovercourt to meet my friend for drinks at Mr. Flamingos, I'm taking every minute to pull all the items on my brain's desktop, shift + drag all those things into my trash bin. Then empty the trash. Now I can actively listen and hear what my friends are telling me. I can absorb, let the information settle like I'm a big sponge in a fancy bathtub that's soaking up all the soap you bought on sale last week. Here I am, an empty slate, absorbing and listening to my friend without interrupting, comparing, or offering fast solutions that suck. It's a fucking breakthrough! - Remember stuff
Ever wonder how your hairstylist remembers so much about you, even though it's been like three months since you last saw them? I'll share with you a little secret. Notes! It's impossible to remember stuff from that far back, so a lot of people write down notes to remember where they left off. I know it's a little weird to do this – but while I'm training myself to listen better, I've starting writing notes about my friends. So next time I see them, I know where we left off. I won't do this forever, but hey – I might as well go the extra mile for the friends I care about. Start using your memory, now actively follow up with questions and concerns. Ex. Jane: Cat found dead in bed. Ew. But really sad. - Be a mirror
Let's take it back to me for a second. FINALLY, back to the person I know and love best. I know this might sound weird, but when I have a problem, sometimes all I need is someone to repeat it back to me in their voice. That means, when a person is sharing a story or venting – try and summarize everything they say and repeat it back to them like it's an audio recording. It doesn't have to be robotic. Just reassure your pal that you heard what they said, and you're re-confirming the facts. Match body language, make eye contact. - Be the Gayle to Oprah
Learning how to listen better is a process, sort of like Chicken Noodle for the Narcissistic Soul. And when you get the hang of it, you'll stop thinking less about you and more about other people. It's tough, but totally worth it. Because the point of all this is to be in a friendship that's just as loving, honest and adorable as Gayle King and Oprah Winfrey – the REAL (all-ears-listening) type of friendship. My heart melts just thinking about it. I can't wait.
The post HOW TO START LISTENING (LIKE YOU ACTUALLY CARE) appeared first on Shedoesthecity.